Families in Recovery

This entry is the resumption of the family alcoholism blog. As the president and founder of Families in Recovery, I've been around these issues long enough to have something to say now and then. This blog is the place to do it. The opinions and information here are not representative of Families in Recovery and are mine alone.

So now, on to the blog...

An advice seeker to the Calgary Herald writes:

I'm 37 and grew up with alcoholism and abuse, was abandoned by both parents and bounced between foster homes.

At 16, I was cocaine addicted and pregnant with no education, no job skills, always struggling.

By 20, I had three babies.

While trying to be a mom and stay clean (for 20 years now), I took whatever job I could.

I (wrongly) decided it was better to care for one child instead of three; my ex took custody of my two oldest (then five and six). But at 13, my son moved in with me; he was very angry and out of control.

Now, at 18, he's dropped out of school and is deep into drugs plus alcohol. I've tried kicking him out; I've tried counseling, but I can't get through to him.

How can I stop the cycle?

The advice columnist responds with a combination of telling the mom to offer the son an apology along with getting him to a 12-step program. To be honest, the advice misses the point pretty significantly. Getting the son help is crucial and the idea of an apology is nice, but it does not reflect the reality.

Both mom and the other children need either a separate or a shared healing process. She has her own unresolved family alcoholism issues. Those issues are now in the other children (and the abandonment is only part of it). An apology is like trying to suture together a shark bite. It just won't cut it.

There is too little open and honest discussion of family alcoholism, and not nearly enough understanding throughout society about how it effects people not just as children, but throughout their lives. And as the writer clearly understands, her parents, her, and her children are all trapped in the same cycle.

Rather than asking the woman to apologize and get her son into treatment, she should have candidly told her to understand that both she and her children have a long healing process ahead of them, and that anything as immediate as an apology is the first step on a much longer path.